As I try to acclimate back into the "real world" where I am unprotected, and function as I used to, I wanted to say a few words about my mom.
Part of me wanted to abandon this blog, since some times the grief is too great to create, but another part of me remembered back to one of the many reasons I chose to begin this - an easy way for my mom to see what Fender and I were up to. She could no longer function on the computer - too frail for Facebook, but my dad could simply bring this up and she could see us creating, laughing, and being much the pair that her and I were when I was a kid.
The hardest part about the loss of my mom is when Fender has his moments of clarity and understanding that there is no "Nana" at "Nana Papa's house" as he calls it. When he gets upset that Nana is in heaven and not able to play cars with him anymore. When I comfort him I make sure to try to listen to myself and the wisdom that Nana will live forever in our hearts, memories, and pictures.
My mom was one of the sweetest, most kind people that ever graced this earth. She made friends wherever she went. She found pleasure in the most simple, beautiful things in life - going to the maternity ward of a hospital to look at the babies, watching my countless dance performances or making Fender laugh which was her new favorite sound.
I was listening to a song the other day and one line struck a chord with me about my mom. “It’s a cruel and beautiful world.” It’s cruel because we have all lost a friend, and there is a hole in our family that forever will not be physically filled by our loss in her. But it’s beautiful because we’ve been blessed to even have had the chance for her to grace our presence. She was so positive, loving, and generous – we have all been changed for the better because of our time with her even if it was all too brief.